Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
