Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
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