my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So vagazzling was a success
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
