The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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