I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
