i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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