So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
