I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I deserve this hangover.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
