So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
