I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
