he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
