why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
