She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
