But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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