im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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