how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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