I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
