Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
