Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I want to stick my p in your. b.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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