I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
