Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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