suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
