It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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