You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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