Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
