apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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