so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i believe in u and ur pee
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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