I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
