I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
