somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
