I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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