yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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