I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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