I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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