quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
