I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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