Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
