So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
