also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
