If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We got so high we made milksteak
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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