Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
