I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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