thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
