I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
