Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize