last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
