Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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