Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
