he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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