If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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