That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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