I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Is Oprah even human
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
