The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
