I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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