DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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