I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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