I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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