The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
