I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
