Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
